A lot can happen in 10 years. Ten years ago on this day, February 28, 2011, I was 30 years old and pregnant with our first child, Elijah. I went for my second sonogram at 10 weeks and was told that the baby’s heartbeat was no longer present. Thus began the hardest 10 years of my life. These ten years haven’t been hard because I miss Elijah and wonder what life would have been like if he had lived, although I definitely do. They have been hard because in those 10 years we went on to experience compounded stress. Somehow in the midst of my grief from losing my first child, I was able to finish my master’s degree and defend it in April 2011. I don’t really remember that time, but I just cranked out the thesis and “half-assed” the defense to get it done. [In fact, I HAD to get it done before May because I had already been in grad school since 2003, and I had to complete the degree within 7 years. Thankfully the school didn’t count the 7 years until I started my degree program, which I technically didn’t do until 2004. It took me so long because I had a severe car accident, 3 life-threatening blood clots, and I met and married my husband in those years.]
Our first-born daughter spent a week in the NICU with seizures in March 2012. She is thankfully healthy today almost 9 years later, but at the time we didn’t know what would happen with her brain development, or even her ability to live. After 3 years of back pain, in December 2013, my husband had his first back surgery. Three weeks later I miscarried our third child, whom we named Peter, at 13 weeks into the pregnancy. We became pregnant again 2 months later and I gave birth to our full-term fourth child, Hannah, in December of 2014. She died when she was 3 days old from an inoperable heart condition on December 13th, exactly one year after my husband’s back surgery. My c-section wound developed complications and I spent 4 months making daily trips to the wound care center to have my wound packed with medical supplies. My dad died in January of 2016. He had many health problems, but his actual death was unexpected. In March of 2016, our fifth child, Bethany, was born via c-section. Her oxygen was low initially so she also spent 2 or 3 days in the NICU. I again dealt with wound complications after delivery, and again spent several months visiting the wound center.
With all of my pregnancies I was high risk due to a blood clotting condition called Factor Five Leiden which makes my blood thicker and more prone to clotting, and clots can lead to heart attack, stroke, etc. I have had too many blood clots to count since it was discovered in 2003, so I had to be on a strong blood thinner called Lovenox during my pregnancies. Pregnancy elevates the clotting risk significantly. For all 3 full-term pregnancies I also dealt with urinary retention issues due to my backwards uterus, so I had frequent visits to the emergency room for about 2-3 months of each pregnancy until the baby grew big enough to not close off my bladder. After Bethany’s birth we decided (with much sadness in my heart) that we would be done having babies, and life settled down into a peaceful period, or as peaceful as life can be with a newborn and a new puppy. đŸ˜‰
During the childbearing years, Nathan was also trying to finish his bachelor’s degree, but with the stress of our losses he decided to let that dream go. There were smaller stressful things that happened in the “post childbearing blissful time” that we experienced, like our house taking 5 months to sell, losing all the equity from the house due to our neighborhood never recovering from the housing market crash, actually OWEING $3,000 to get out of that neighborhood, and having to live with my mom for over 6 months that year. Any almost-40-year-old would feel badly about living with a parent, but when you add 2 little kids and 2 dogs to the equation, it is even harder on the psyche. In his perfect timing, God led us to the perfect house for us in a quiet neighborhood halfway between Nathan’s parents and my mom, within walking distance of each. It is a blessing for sure, and one of the best things that has happened to us in these 10 years besides our children.
In the past 10 years, both Nathan and I have experienced job losses and job changes, and although each loss for me was hard, God always led me to something better. He always took care of us. The year 2019 was once again hard because Nathan once again was dealing with back pain, having surgery in May and in October. He went back to light duty in November 2019, and then I stopped working in March 2020 because Covid-19 said I couldn’t go back into the nursing homes to do music therapy, and I haven’t worked since then. Thankfully his job with the water department was considered “essential” and he was allowed to continue to work, but our income was suddenly cut in half. Congress passed the CARES Act on March 27, 2020, allowing self-employed workers, who usually don’t qualify for unemployment, to apply for benefits, and I immediately applied. However, I didn’t see any benefits paid until the end of June, and even when I did start receiving benefits it was only about 1/4 of what I had been earning. God took care of us, like when our washing machine broke in April and an unknown-to-us benefactor paid for a NEW washer and dryer set to be delivered, or when a relative or friend would send us money right when we needed it. We were getting by financially, even though our income was still half of what we were used to.
The pandemic dragged on and 2020 seemed like it would never end, and then Nathan’s disc slipped a fourth time in September. He waited 3.5 grueling months until he could be scheduled for surgery. He is still not working almost 3 months later. This is the longest period of time that both of us have been simultaneously unemployed, but God is once again so good to us, providing for us through our church, family, and friends. I would normally be very stressed and anxious, except thanks to God’s provision, we will be ok. I am once again waiting weeks on end for the unemployment to come in (this time as I await the 11-week extension that congress approved back in late December), but it doesn’t feel as stressful as it would if God had not been providing for us so generously.
The pandemic still seems like it will never end, or even when it does, life will never be the same again, and that grieves me. I miss being able to smile at a stranger and have them wave back. I miss being able to give a friend a hug who I haven’t seen in a year. I miss being able to decide for my own body what is good and healthy, and have the world be ok with my choices rather than telling me what I should do, or judging me as “unloving” to others for my choices about my own body. I miss the days when strangers could become friends easily no matter their differences, rather than first feeling out whether they shared basic ideals and beliefs about personal autonomy and responsibility.
So yes, 10 years ago today was the hardest day of my life up to that point, but I have come through that and many more difficult experiences, with God’s help. I can’t imagine going through life without Jesus. I think without him I would have given up on this life long ago. It’s just too hard without Jesus to help you along the road.
Transparent Graces 